A middle aged man just hit on me and checked me out at the supermarket while my friends were around. One of the most fucking uncomfortable moments in my entire life.
I’m very grateful for the people that were thinking and worrying about me on Marathon Monday when the bombs exploded. I’ve never thought of myself as someone that would treat responses on facebook as important but I really depended on it on Monday. I wanted some attention. I wanted people to know how depressed I felt that day. Most of all, I wanted to know who were the people that would cry for me on my deathbed. I thanked people graciously on facebook but couldn’t really feel it in my heart. No doubt, I was grateful for their care but it’s hard to cheer up and be grateful for being alive when there is so much gloom around you. I guess I let the terrorists win that day.
I’ve had some time to think about it now and I believe that the universe has some way of handling things. two weeks ago, I was extremely homesick and begged my mom and dad to come over to Boston and spend some time with me. They didn’t come in the end because things have not been going so well for mom and she’s under a lot of stress. I was upset about that at first but now I realise how her slight misfortune may have saved all of us. If things had gone well, she and dad would definitely have come to Boston and we would have stayed at the Marriott Copley which is the street right next to Boylston where the bombings happened. We probably would’ve gone to watch the marathon at the end line, cheering the contestants on. If we didn’t do that, we would’ve been eating a late lunch around Boylston or Newbury or in the Prudential. In whatever case, three of us would have been at high risk of loosing out lives or at least being an immediate part of the tragedy.
One small decision can change everything. That day, I was planning on going to the Prudential to do a little shopping and pick up a refill of my medicine at the CVS on Newbury (and both places had mysterious packages in that area). I think I would’ve definitely gone to see the marathon at the finish line as well….. If my friends and I weren’t late to meet up and have lunch that day, goodness knows what might have happened. My roommate was there with our other friend watching the marathon 20 minutes before the blast, before they left for lunch where they and everyone else in the restaurant was rushed out of the restaurant and told to evacuate the building because of a bomb risk. It’s terrifying knowing that people I know were there or could have been there.
What ever the case is, I’m glad that my friends and myself are safe and well. I’ll never forget what happened but I’ll try to get over it. Saying this, whoever tries to make this sound like a small thing is going to get some serious shit from me.
I think Boston’s changed me for the better. I feel like I’ve matured a great deal more and my I’m actually practicing what I preach. Life’s too short to take shit from people and I’m not going to sit back and let people cast away my opinions and feelings anymore. I love this city and it’s people for shaping me into who I am now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more grounded or more alive. Despite all the shit that’s happened here, I don’t regret coming here one bit. Heck, I might even move to Boston permanently one day?
I think I’m having a mini panic attack. idk whats going on right now. it’s so hard to breathe and I just want to cry. like honestly wtf is wrong with me, my life isn’t that hard and yet I’m crumbling under pressure. This whole language requirement thing in college is putting me under a lot of pressure. I should’ve applied to a school in the UK so I wouldn’t have to deal with this crappy liberal education system that I can’t handle. I can’t fucking retain any of the information I’m trying to learn in spanish (or french last semester) and it’s really really fucking with my grades. I don’t want to be kicked out of school holy crap I’m freaking out right now. I just want to cry omg. I wish I took another gap year but my parents would never let me do such a thing. I need to figure out this shit in my head.
I’m doing things I normally wouldn’t do when I was back home and I don’t know how I should feel about that. On one hand, I know college is a time of experimentation (woah that sounds shady) and independence but I’m starting to wonder if I’m going too fast and overstepping my limits a bit too much. I’m not limiting myself as much as I should and my spending has become waayyy too extravagant. I’ve been hunting for CHEAP knitwear for awhile now and all it took was one step into the Marc by Marc Jacobs store before that resolution blew out of the window and slapped me in the face with a gorgeous knit that had a $250 price tag attached to it. Okay, for the next three weeks, I’m not taking out any of my credit cards and I’m going to eat more of the campus food! NO MORE SHOPPING!!!!! MORE STUDYING!!!! LESS CRAZINESS!!!!
So it’s been more than a month since I’ve been away from home and today’s the first day that I’ve spent my birthday away from home, my parents and friends. I thought that I would feel super lonely the day before my birthday and on the day itself, but I’m fine so far. I’m so grateful to have made friends here as wonderful as my old friends from Singapore.
A few of us went to collegefest and a bit of window shopping later. We split up for awhile but Aldea asked us to join her for dinner with her friend and his friends so Rishi and I agreed to that. Apparently it was supposed to be some asian restaurant but it’s super inconvenient to go to so we had to cut through the Cheesecake Factory to get to the restaurant. I should have noticed something when Aldea told the waiter ‘we’re looking for our friends’ but I didn’t notice anything *stupid me* so I just followed them through the restaurant and when I turned the corner, TADAAAAA there were all my closer friends from BU.
It was such a lovely surprise and I felt so warm inside that I honestly felt like crying. They got me a huge helium Happy Birthday balloon and a card with little personal notes on it, along with paying for my dinner.
How did I get so lucky?
I know you’re not supposed to tell your birthday wish but I think I will….. I wished that I was as happy as I was right at that moment.
Happy Birthday to me. You’re finally 19.
I suppose this tumblr can be considered quite a failed project of mine. I barely update it and even when I do so now, I don’t put in as much effort as I did when I first started up the page. I wonder if it’s because I’m simply too lazy or a part of me realises that I don’t need to update this page anymore because I’ll always remember what I’ve done in this eight month long holiday. It’ll coming to an end in 3 days when I board the plane bound to Boston and am forced to bid my loved one’s farewell for now. As I stuff my favourite items in to my three luggages, I think of my past and future life. How different would it be from the present? Would I even use this in the future? What if I become a completely different person? If I wore this out in public, would I be a victim of robbery or mockery? It’s come to the point where I’ve decided that I’ve never been more scared in my life. Then again, I’ve never felt more alive either.